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I know.

[lennon said it many times, when he wasn't crying. daeshim kneels on the bed for a moment before he offers the cup out to him.]

I'm sorry. You can still be mad at me, but will you at least drink this?

[he doesn't look well, tired and pale and thinner, so dae hopes he'll at least allow him to fuss over him a bit for a few days.]

[ Lennon's only more infuriated because he feels his eyes burning in the familiar way they had lately but he lowers his head and reaches to take the cup. He sniffs it and takes a sip. There's comfort in the ritual, in this special silly thing between them that represents a lot more than it would seem. ]

I should have smooshed you.

[daeshim sighs when he accepts the cup. good. that should get some warmth into him, and some energy too.]

Maybe. [he tries not to smile.] But you wouldn't. You're a lover, not a smoosher.

[ Lennon rolls his eyes but they're still wet. He sips at the hot chocolate, crossing his legs as he settles sitting in the cocoon of blankets. ]

Don't you dare do that to me again.

Okay.

[he didn't enjoy it either...but he liked scaring lennon a lot less. and he didn't like what he was becoming at all.

he inches closer, but he doesn't try to invate the other's blanket cocoon. yet. he tries to stretch instead, aiming a kiss for his cheek.]

[ Lennon tries to give the cold shoulder a little bit longer as he sips the hot chocolate, the peppermint in it wakes him up more. He knows the other wants to get closer but he doesn't give in completely yet. He doesn't open up the blankets and reach for him. He lets him kiss his cheek, though.

A huff escapes him afterward. ]

I felt like I was alone again.

[ More sips. ]

I will never leave you alone.

[though he doesn't dispute that lennon felt that way. he's sure that he did. at least daeshim was able to hear lennon's voice.] You're mine. We share a bond, closer than lovers.

[he presses another kiss, then drags the next one lower to his jawline.]

I will do whatever you want to make it up to you.

[ Lennon finally sets the mug aside as the other's lips press to his jaw. He lets out a shuddered breath. His head tilts to the side, allowing access and not pushing the other away but he's not pulling him closer as much as he longs to. He wants to be in his arms again. ]

I'm sorry I upset you.

[ Lennon finally says because despite all his anger that's masking how hurt and how much he'd struggled he still feels like it's all his fault. ]

[daeshim stops kissing him then, but only so he can pull back a little. only so that he can look him in the eyes and lennon can see him when he shakes his head.]

I upset me. You are innocent.

[lennon acted as anyone would, especially when daeshim was the one always reminding and warning him.]

I did and said things to you that I wish I had not. You don't treat your precious person that way.

[ Lennon looks up at him when the other pulls back and he wants him to start kissing again, wants to feel his lips on his skin where they belong. He shakes his head. ]

I... You didn't do or say anything wrong, not really...

[ Okay, maybe the part where it felt like he wasn't giving him his own choice about Baein but...everything else...? ]

[daeshim shakes his head. he knows that he wasn't himself. locking lennon away from everything like...like some princess in a tower wasn't right. his jealousy was out of control. it grew wild from a seed of jealousy that's always inside of him, but he forgot how to trust lennon.]

I will continue to tie you down and fill you up, if that's what you mean.

[that part was...yeah, he's okay with that.]

[ Lennon swallows and he can't help a short laugh and of course... that part he had liked, a lot. But he still didn't find the other had really crossed too many lines... not really until that moment right at the end. And... okay the locking him away was a lot.

But... he wasn't upset about all of that. ]

There's... probably things we need to talk about.

[ He says quietly but he finally relents and he opens up the blankets to pull at Daeshim needing him close needing to be wrapped up in his arms again. ]

[another sigh of relief. daeshim didn't want the blanket to be between them, wanted to press himself right up against the other. he wouldn't have been able to hold out for much longer. but lennon allows it first, and that's meaningful to him.]

Okay.

[he wraps his arms around him and squeezes.]

[ Lennon feels a rush of relief when the other's arms move around him and he places close to him, his face buried in his neck and it's only 5% to hide the fact that he's definitely crying some now. He holds to him tightly and he doesn't move from keeping his face in the curve of the other's neck as he speaks. ]

Do you have things you want to say?

Only that I'm sorry. And I won't do this to you again.

[he frowns when he feels lennon's tears against his skin. he's not good at handling conflict, he only knows to avoid it. but he'll have to figure something else out for the future. daeshim doesn't want to make him cry.]

Do you?

[ Lennon is quiet and he knows that Daeshim doesn't lie and he can trust that he won't do it again. He presses closer to him and softly kisses his neck once.

When the question is turned back on him, Lennon is quiet for a long time but he knows it's okay. Daeshim will wait for him to talk. Finally, he clears his throat. ]

A few things... I guess... I don't want to stop feeding Baein but I don't want you to be upset with me...

[ There's a pause. ]

And... I really meant it when I said I wouldn't top anyone else.

[ His mind is rolling over everything that had happened. The two hardest things are still not broached yet. ]

[if he could say the words for him and make it easier, he would. but the best he can do is wait, wait and and hold him until he feels strong enough to say whatever he needs to say. and he can do that, for as long as it takes.]

Okay.

[to which? to both, but maybe it would help lennon if he expanded.]

I care about Bae too. I don't want him hurting, so I'm thankful that you can do for him what I cannot.

[he thinks he said that in the past too, it's just that this world's weird magic got in the way of it.]

[ Lennon relaxes a little at that but there's more to that... okay so maybe there are three hard things. ]

I... the last time, I got turned on... and... but nothing happened... really.

[ The lines feel so much blurrier now. Lennon feeling uncertain that Daeshim really is okay with his open sexuality. How much of that was just the effects of whatever magic happened and what of it is things that Daeshim is hiding? ]

Is that okay too... some of the things you said, did you mean them?

[what lennon confesses to, it's no surprise to him. if he'd stopped there, daeshim probably wouldn't have thought anything more about it. but lennon asks him to think about it. it's not a bad thing. it probably means that lennon has learned him well. but the fae is surprised at where his own thoughts lead.]

I think...it would bother me if Bae liked you more than he likes me.

[it doesn't feel good to say it. it even feels wrong, in a way. but it's the price of not being able to lie and not being willing to play with words when he's talking to those who are close to him. a part of him even wishes that he could pull away from lennon, because it might help him think more clearly. but he's not willing to do that either.]

It should not. He's not the Bae that I knew and loved, but...

[it still feels like he's been rejected, even if he knows that he's not the daeshim that he knew and loved either.]

[ Lennon's not surprised by the answer and he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. If the other had tried to pull away, he would have done his best to keep like this. This is easier. He gets the strength of being held and safe but he gets to hide a little too and that helps him. ]

I... don't think he will ever like me more than he likes you. You all... it's something special.

[ Something Lennon isn't a part of and Lennon's not sure that feeling of being on the outside will ever completely go away when it comes to looking at them all outside of himself and Daeshim alone. ]

Mm...We... you... talked about a baby.

[ Ugh. Kill him. ]

We are also something special.

[and that's the other half of it, more similar to lennon's insecurities than either of them probably realizes. daeshim has been removed from his world and everyone in it. lennon has anchored him to this one. sometimes he does feel like he's all that he really has in it. some of the fae's selfishness can't be blamed on anything but himself. it's all a work in progress.

oh. he blinks a couple of times, and this is easier. (for him, ha.)]

We did. Just imagine if you had been a girl!

[that's probably not as easy for a human to imagine. maybe.]

I would have to bring you two cups of hot chocolate sooner or later.

Mm.

[ Lennon agrees softly. They are. That's sort of what he's trying to get at...

He flushes and groans at the other, shaking his head and pinching his side gently. ]

Can you really change your body?

[ Lennon finally pulls back to look at him and his face is pink and he ends up just looking off to the side. ]

You just... made me realize how much I want... how much I miss having a family.

I can.

[he tilts his head to the side. lennon has cradled him as a mushroom for no less than three days, he's seen it for himself. and even that is harder than what the other is thinking about.

it still takes him a minute or two to understand the reason for the other's awkwardness, what he's really saying.]

Oh! Then it would be you bringing me two cups of tea.

[just kidding. daeshim would still want to bring him hot chocolate.]

[ Lennon swallows a little the other's reply but it draws a smile. He still feels nervous about everything he's admitted to the other. ]

But... does that mean you'd want to...? With me?

[daeshim reaches out, cupping lennon's face between his hands. it's hard to tell what he's thinking, or what his response might be despite everything. he has his most serious resting b face on - resting blank face, that is.]

Yes.

[there's more, but that's the most important part. so he's going to let it sink in first.]

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