[ the expression the other makes hurts to look at, because baein's heart will bleed for people he cares about, even if it's a dried husk in his chest. ]
He will turn back, just give him some time.
[ and so he's tucking away everything that's bothering him, his worries and the low key frustration under his skin for a moment and... ]
[ Lennon bit his lip as he stares down at the mushroom longer and
he’s not overly comforted. It hurts that he’s the reason this happened.
Maybe it’s a self centered way to look at it but he’d made Daeshim cry and
then Daeshim literally turned into a mushroom instead curling up with him
until things got better. He’d rather be afraid of him than… this. This
scares him a lot more. ]
[ baein looks down at his hands before he turns back to lennon, eyes wide and apologetic. he knows it should be the other way around. that lennon should be angry at baein for overstepping, for taking too much. for... a lot of things. ]
I'm sorry... I took too much. I... I could tell. When you left. I should have known when to stop.
[ he curls the blanket he's holding around himself a little more for a second before he holds one end up for lennon, in case he wants to join him. ]
And I don't think Daeshim is mad at you. It's just a feeling I get.
[ Lennon pushes himself to focus a little bit on Baein, looking over at him and he shakes his head. Though, when the opens the blanket he presses into his side, his face burying into his shoulder and he's cradling the mushdae close and carefully still. ]
No... that was my fault too...I should have... made sure Daeshim was paying attention but I went while he was asleep.
[ He reaches to find one of the other's hands and tries to lace their fingers together. ]
You stopped when I told you too, that's what really matters... I just ... I didn't stop you early enough because it felt so good. I'm sorry.
[ Lennon's eyes are burning. ]
He was mad... and then he was sad and it was all my fault.
[ baein curls the blanket around lennon in turn. he's trying his best to listen and not let the vacuum in his chest swallow him because it's hard to focus when it's still there. though the press of someone else against him helps a little bit. he lets lennon take his hand, though while he's not as cold as usual, he's also not entirely warm. ]
Even if I stopped when you said so, I should have had the presence of mind to stop before you have to ask me to. No one should have to ask me to stop.
[ his voice is quiet, subdued. he's tired still, but also tired of being what he is, of having to rely on other people's life for survival. he thinks, at least. perhaps he could live without blood indefinitely, but he's afraid he'll just lose his sense of self if he went too far. ]
What made you think it's your fault?
[ baein doesn't know this daeshim very well, and it stings a little when he realizes he can't apply the logic he'd normal apply to daeshim, the one he knows. ]
[ he lets lennon pull his hand in, and he swallows a little as he squeezes it back, shivers a little with the feeling of just having someone settled against him. ]
...maybe you should not be so hard on yourself too. This is all new, is it not?
[ baein looks down at him, even if lennon isn't watching him in turn. perhaps it's not quite fair to throw the sentiment back at him like this, but... lennon is new to his relationship with daeshim too. it should ring true, in some aspect. ]
It'll be fine.
[ at least, that much baein is certain of, because it's daeshim and he trusts him no matter the form. it's still odd... the whole situation, the fact that they're all from different worlds, the way baein isn't feeling as connected as he'd like, and the way that— the point is, baein can't even find it in him to be jealous, or mad, or any kind of negative emotion whatsoever. he's just a little tired, and longing for something he can't name. ]
[ Lennon frowns at the words being thrown back at him. It is new. It's new to love someone, to be loved. To feel like he belongs, that he's safe and wanted. He feels tears welling in his eyes again and he turns to hide his face and he's barely relaxing his hold on the other's hand, mostly because he can't clench his other hand since he's holding Daeshim in it. ]
It's not the same...
[ He sighs and lets his eyes close. ]
He's... I haven't had anyone care about me for so long and... I... he's...
[ baein sounds almost... fond. a little sad, but fond in a way he didn't expect of himself. he reaches up with his free hand to pet lennon's hair, letting him stay right where he is. ]
And Daeshim would never lie to you.
[ that's a single truth baein knows, and he's gotten that feeling from the fae too, that he wouldn't be able to lie either.
he swallows quietly, because he can almost hear the unsaid in that sentence, and he cannot do anything but agree. ]
[ Maybe he wouldn't lie but he has tricked Lennon before but... that's... not really what's happening here and he knows it. But it still aches that he can't feel him hold him or hear his voice.
Lennon forces himself to take steady breaths to stay at least a little composed and not completely fall apart on Baein. His mind is out of sorts, and he keeps tearing apart the previous night trying to think of how he could have fixed it of everything he did wrong.
He sniffs and pulls the blanket tighter around the both of them. ]
He tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to feed you again. I told him not to take away my choices again and he...
[ Lennon exhales, that's not really his point, anyway. ]
I like it. I like... how it feels and that it feels intimate. I feel like you need something from me and I want you to need something from me. I want you to want something.
[ He's rambling. ]
It's not the same as... but... I don't want you to be afraid of yourself.
...perhaps feeding is not the best idea in the situation we're in. Whatever is going on is messing with us and what we want.
[ baein keeps giving lennon gentle pats, though he swallows a little on a frown when the other keeps talking. he likes how it feels? to baein it was painful, beyond anything, and he has nothing to really compare to. and he doesn't want to admit that feeing itself isn't too... bad. and the fact that lennon wants baein to rely on him, that's... ]
But... thank you. And I... [ baein pauses, unsure. it's a lot to get thrown at him at once, and he's reeling a little with it. what he wants? baein has never given his own wants a lot of love or attention, it's always been other people before him, by his own choice. ] I don't think I'm afraid of myself... just of what I can become.
[ Lennon mumbles because... it's fair that right now it isn't a good idea but at least he had fed Baein so he would be alright for a while. He would feel bad for everything that's transpired in the last 24 hours later, he would be embarrassed of coming apart on Baein like this of being so selfish when he should have been able to see Baein is struggling too.
He nuzzles at the other's shoulder, closing his eyes. He's exhausted in every way but the idea of sleeping with Daeshim like this is terrifying to him. ]
None of us will let you become the monster you fear.
[ Somehow... there's enough people that want to protect Baein. ]
[ baein doesn't really disagree. he doesn't want to have to feed from people either, and... and lennon is daeshim's, and baein understands the sentiment. surely there's a way to find blood supplements in this place without having to actually bite someone else.
when lennon nuzzles at him, the vampire is properly distracted from his thoughts, and he leans into it, tucking lennon closer to him. despite whatever he's feeling, baein has always felt protective, and it includes lennon too, pretty much anyone baein gets to know and befriends.
his throat feels like it's closing up a little at the promise, though, and he swallows hard and shifts, mouth opening and closing while he thinks of something to say. ]
You don't have to... it's not your responsibility. It's my own...
[ Lennon sighs and he's determined to keep feeding Baein. He doesn't want him to find an alternative... he and Daeshim will just have to figure it out if Daeshim really does have a problem with it...
He presses his face into the other's shoulder and then a few soft kisses there but he knows he shouldn't and he just nuzzles his cheek against him after that. ]
Shut up and accept that you aren't going to have to do it alone.
[ baein also doesn't want to burden lennon with it, if this is a thing that is the outcome. a distraught lennon and daeshim hiding away from the world and... well.
the kisses throw him off a little though, and he shifts under them, a soft noise stuck at the back of his throat, exhaled into silence. and then he's just rudely told off. the prince can't help the exasperated exhale on no air, wavering a little with it, because it's so— he can't talk back. because even if he pulls away, right now it's also hard to deny to himself that he wants help, and he wants to be close to them and he hates feeling as lonely as he does. ]
Right. Sorry.
[ it's a whisper, sounds like it's there alongside a lopsided, sheepish smile. ]
[ Lennon says and he nuzzles the other more, holding close to him. He knows that things are complicated and that he's only made them more complicated and now Daeshim's kind of complicated it more too. Everything is a mess. It all feels a lot like his fault and he wants to fix it so badly but right now it's hard for him to focus on anything that's not Daeshim for long. ]
[ ... maybe he should stop fighting what he is now. but baein is still scared of what he's capable of. it's going to take a while to get over that hurdle and accept himself for what he is.
but he brushes that aside for the moment to focus on lennon's second sentence. ]
He will. There's no way he'd stay away from you for too long.
[ Logically, Lennon knows that. He knows that Daeshim is different than everyone else but there's still the fear of being abandoned, of left behind. He desperately wants to be good enough and right then he didn't feel it. So he just makes a quiet noise and stays curled up close to Baein. The mushroom is safe with them both and he exhales softly. ]
[ baein's shoulders sag and he just nods wordlessly. it's... it's comfortable, but his emotions are a little jumbled, but he's not about to let them interrupt the fact that he's holding onto another person and they're letting him.
maybe also because it's lennon. but baein is bad at thinking straight right now. at least his cat ears are drooping in a relaxed manner. ]
[ Lennon sighs, exhausted with all the high emotions running. And Baein is comfortable and he feels safe. He knows things aren't all okay but he doesn't have it in him to try and fix it right now... Hopefully Baein doesn't hold it against him. ]
[ baein buries himself against lennon in a way he wouldn't do quite so readily if he wasn't affected. as it is... lennon asked, which means permission, which means you now have a clingy cat on your hands. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Lennon doesn’t feel better at all and he shakes his head. ]
I did mess up. He even cried before I went to sleep!
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He will turn back, just give him some time.
[ and so he's tucking away everything that's bothering him, his worries and the low key frustration under his skin for a moment and... ]
...do you want a hug?
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[ Lennon bit his lip as he stares down at the mushroom longer and he’s not overly comforted. It hurts that he’s the reason this happened. Maybe it’s a self centered way to look at it but he’d made Daeshim cry and then Daeshim literally turned into a mushroom instead curling up with him until things got better. He’d rather be afraid of him than… this. This scares him a lot more. ]
Mm… aren’t you mad at me too?
[ For all that happened when Baein fed… ]
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[ baein looks down at his hands before he turns back to lennon, eyes wide and apologetic. he knows it should be the other way around. that lennon should be angry at baein for overstepping, for taking too much. for... a lot of things. ]
I'm sorry... I took too much. I... I could tell. When you left. I should have known when to stop.
[ he curls the blanket he's holding around himself a little more for a second before he holds one end up for lennon, in case he wants to join him. ]
And I don't think Daeshim is mad at you. It's just a feeling I get.
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No... that was my fault too...I should have... made sure Daeshim was paying attention but I went while he was asleep.
[ He reaches to find one of the other's hands and tries to lace their fingers together. ]
You stopped when I told you too, that's what really matters... I just ... I didn't stop you early enough because it felt so good. I'm sorry.
[ Lennon's eyes are burning. ]
He was mad... and then he was sad and it was all my fault.
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Even if I stopped when you said so, I should have had the presence of mind to stop before you have to ask me to. No one should have to ask me to stop.
[ his voice is quiet, subdued. he's tired still, but also tired of being what he is, of having to rely on other people's life for survival. he thinks, at least. perhaps he could live without blood indefinitely, but he's afraid he'll just lose his sense of self if he went too far. ]
What made you think it's your fault?
[ baein doesn't know this daeshim very well, and it stings a little when he realizes he can't apply the logic he'd normal apply to daeshim, the one he knows. ]
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Stop being so fucking hard on yourself, Bean. You just need practice.
[ He's still new at the vampire thing after all. ]
Because... I let him see that I was scared. I didn't... do enough to make it better after.
[ He'd been so tired physically, mentally, emotionally. ]
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...maybe you should not be so hard on yourself too. This is all new, is it not?
[ baein looks down at him, even if lennon isn't watching him in turn. perhaps it's not quite fair to throw the sentiment back at him like this, but... lennon is new to his relationship with daeshim too. it should ring true, in some aspect. ]
It'll be fine.
[ at least, that much baein is certain of, because it's daeshim and he trusts him no matter the form. it's still odd... the whole situation, the fact that they're all from different worlds, the way baein isn't feeling as connected as he'd like, and the way that— the point is, baein can't even find it in him to be jealous, or mad, or any kind of negative emotion whatsoever. he's just a little tired, and longing for something he can't name. ]
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It's not the same...
[ He sighs and lets his eyes close. ]
He's... I haven't had anyone care about me for so long and... I... he's...
[ everything. ]
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[ baein sounds almost... fond. a little sad, but fond in a way he didn't expect of himself. he reaches up with his free hand to pet lennon's hair, letting him stay right where he is. ]
And Daeshim would never lie to you.
[ that's a single truth baein knows, and he's gotten that feeling from the fae too, that he wouldn't be able to lie either.
he swallows quietly, because he can almost hear the unsaid in that sentence, and he cannot do anything but agree. ]
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Lennon forces himself to take steady breaths to stay at least a little composed and not completely fall apart on Baein. His mind is out of sorts, and he keeps tearing apart the previous night trying to think of how he could have fixed it of everything he did wrong.
He sniffs and pulls the blanket tighter around the both of them. ]
He tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to feed you again. I told him not to take away my choices again and he...
[ Lennon exhales, that's not really his point, anyway. ]
I like it. I like... how it feels and that it feels intimate. I feel like you need something from me and I want you to need something from me. I want you to want something.
[ He's rambling. ]
It's not the same as... but... I don't want you to be afraid of yourself.
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[ baein keeps giving lennon gentle pats, though he swallows a little on a frown when the other keeps talking. he likes how it feels? to baein it was painful, beyond anything, and he has nothing to really compare to. and he doesn't want to admit that feeing itself isn't too... bad. and the fact that lennon wants baein to rely on him, that's... ]
But... thank you. And I... [ baein pauses, unsure. it's a lot to get thrown at him at once, and he's reeling a little with it. what he wants? baein has never given his own wants a lot of love or attention, it's always been other people before him, by his own choice. ] I don't think I'm afraid of myself... just of what I can become.
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[ Lennon mumbles because... it's fair that right now it isn't a good idea but at least he had fed Baein so he would be alright for a while. He would feel bad for everything that's transpired in the last 24 hours later, he would be embarrassed of coming apart on Baein like this of being so selfish when he should have been able to see Baein is struggling too.
He nuzzles at the other's shoulder, closing his eyes. He's exhausted in every way but the idea of sleeping with Daeshim like this is terrifying to him. ]
None of us will let you become the monster you fear.
[ Somehow... there's enough people that want to protect Baein. ]
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[ baein doesn't really disagree. he doesn't want to have to feed from people either, and... and lennon is daeshim's, and baein understands the sentiment. surely there's a way to find blood supplements in this place without having to actually bite someone else.
when lennon nuzzles at him, the vampire is properly distracted from his thoughts, and he leans into it, tucking lennon closer to him. despite whatever he's feeling, baein has always felt protective, and it includes lennon too, pretty much anyone baein gets to know and befriends.
his throat feels like it's closing up a little at the promise, though, and he swallows hard and shifts, mouth opening and closing while he thinks of something to say. ]
You don't have to... it's not your responsibility. It's my own...
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He presses his face into the other's shoulder and then a few soft kisses there but he knows he shouldn't and he just nuzzles his cheek against him after that. ]
Shut up and accept that you aren't going to have to do it alone.
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the kisses throw him off a little though, and he shifts under them, a soft noise stuck at the back of his throat, exhaled into silence. and then he's just rudely told off. the prince can't help the exasperated exhale on no air, wavering a little with it, because it's so— he can't talk back. because even if he pulls away, right now it's also hard to deny to himself that he wants help, and he wants to be close to them and he hates feeling as lonely as he does. ]
Right. Sorry.
[ it's a whisper, sounds like it's there alongside a lopsided, sheepish smile. ]
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[ Lennon says and he nuzzles the other more, holding close to him. He knows that things are complicated and that he's only made them more complicated and now Daeshim's kind of complicated it more too. Everything is a mess. It all feels a lot like his fault and he wants to fix it so badly but right now it's hard for him to focus on anything that's not Daeshim for long. ]
I'm scared he won't turn back.
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but he brushes that aside for the moment to focus on lennon's second sentence. ]
He will. There's no way he'd stay away from you for too long.
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Hopefully you're right...
[ It's hard for him to believe right now. He curls up to Baein and pulls the blanket tighter. ]
Just gonna stay here for a while, okay?
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[ baein holds lennon closer and nods. ]
Yes... yeah. It's all right. It's...
[ it's just nice to be held, or hold someone. ]
It's nice.
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Mm... It's nice with you.
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maybe also because it's lennon. but baein is bad at thinking straight right now. at least his cat ears are drooping in a relaxed manner. ]
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Do you feel like taking a nap with me?
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[ baein buries himself against lennon in a way he wouldn't do quite so readily if he wasn't affected. as it is... lennon asked, which means permission, which means you now have a clingy cat on your hands. ]